In 2017, I found myself living in Hawaii with a good job, making a decent living, enough to afford living in Hawaii, helping my sons get on their feet and still live comfortably. I could not shake the feeling that something important was missing. Yes, I was single, I still am, but it was not a relationship with a man I was yearning for. I certainly could stand to have a few more friends in the area. Having served in the military for 22 years and then another 6 as a civilian, I have been moving around the country quite a bit, which makes lasting friendships a little difficult. But, while I would like to have more friends to pass the time with, and share experiences here in paradise, it still wasn’t what I felt was missing. It was something much deeper, much more personal. Something more akin to the road not taken.
Fast forward one year and my life has changed exponentially, I found what I was looking for. What I found was actually something I had all along, but it took me travelling down a few rabbit holes to find it. It took the totality of a year, to realize this, to accept it in a deep and meaningful way, some deep, dark, soul-searching through emotional land mines.
I spent the better part of the past year reading, researching, meditating, dancing and journaling to come to a conclusion, what I needed most was an intimate relationship with myself. I realized what I had been missing and searching through every city I have lived, every friendship, every acquaintance, every relationship, every book, every song… was myself!
The past year has been grueling, at times extremely painful. There were many times I considered giving up, resigning myself to living a life with something important missing. Giving up would have been easy. But taking the road less taken means not giving up. In order to find the rainbow, you must first encounter the storm. What I discovered were all the storms I had stuffed away; Pain from my past that has never been processed. Many times, I was afraid to look into those storms; they were wound up so tight and locked away into the deep, dark recesses of my mind. Surely, if I started pulling them out to examine them more closely, they would overtake me, drown me, strike me down with the powerful lightening that guarded them. Truly, I feared if I started crying, I may never stop.
How heavy must that weight have been. Thousands of tiny storms brewing; each awaiting their turn at my psyche. Was I crazy to open this Pandora’s box and let all these storms out, free to live and breathe their rage and angst inside me? It was a frightful undertaking.
Ultimately, I accepted the challenge. Not one to shy away from hard work, I dove in head first, as I often do once I set my mind on something. I cried, and cried and cried and raged and raged and raged. I discovered pent up emotions long forgotten, tucked away somewhere deep in the grey matter.
Often times in the past year, I have questioned my own sanity. Was this journey the markings of a crazy person? Was I have some sort of mid-life or existential crisis? Perhaps… or perhaps that is just what they call it, when someone awakens to their true potential.
You see, I have come to understand that every single thing that has happened, every single person I have encountered, every pain, every challenge, every thing I have learned, every fight, every tear, every book, every passion was the Universe keeping me on track.
Yes, I believe we all have free will, but I also believe in some sort of divine plan. Not in any formal, dogmatic way, it is much more simple. We are each on our own hero’s journey, faced with opportunity and challenges and people who will take us closer to our true purpose. Each of us has a gift to share with the world. Few of us take the time to discover our purpose and fewer still follow their calling and pursue their passions.
Music has soothed my soul, purged my pain, enlightened my mind and propelled me onto a new path. My calling is to share this journey, to share what I have learned, with anyone who will listen!
While music and dance is the root of sonic catharsis, the path has taken me through history, religion, math, science, psychology, ethno musicology, language, art, philosophy, physiology, biology, astrology, astronomy, theology, sociology and more. My desire to get to the bottom of this compulsion to be musical has led me down many paths, but all of them converged here, in what I call, Sonic Catharsis.
I think many of us can relate to the idea that something is missing from our lives, even though we are grateful for what we have. Sonic Catharsis is about exploring those places inside us that we often ignore. It is about stepping outside the thinking mind long enough to discover that intuition and empathy can co-exist with our desires and thoughts. For me, music is meditation, a way to stop the incessant analyzing, strategizing and worry that comes with being me. A way to turn of the anxiety and depression and be in the moment. Just me, the music and my body. In doing this, in shutting off the mind, purging the emotions, I have found that I am lighter, happier, more adaptable. No longer weighed down by past pain and grievances, I am no free to explore what it really means to be alive in this body, in this moment, right here and right now.
If you will permit me to accompany you on your journey, please join me as we discover together what Sonic Catharsis can do for you.